Space Pirate Jim
by graceandfire
Summary: AU - On the day of his wedding to Jocelyn, McCoy is kidnapped by Space Pirate Kirk who plans to marry him instead for the McCoy billions. Yep, this is crack. Total crack. Slash. Rated for swearing and suggestive sexy talk.


Leonard McCoy downed the glass of bourbon and told himself this marriage was a good idea. It _was _a good idea. Jocelyn was a nice girl and their families approved and, dammit, this was how things were done when you were the heir to the biggest fucking fortune in the galaxy, rah fucking rah. You married some other heir to a smaller, but still respectable, fortune so all that money could come together and procreate.

At least that was his parents' reason for wanting the marriage. Leonard had his own. When he married, his paternal great grandfather's trust kicked in and he'd have access to a sizable fortune free and clear of the family strings. Then he could finally put the McCoy money to a use other than compounding, could finally do something _good _with it.

And if getting married was the price, well…it had to happen someday. Leonard eyed the decanter. He was tempted, oh so tempted to pour another shot but no way in hell was he showing up to his own wedding drunk. Jocelyn didn't deserve that, not to mention the fit his mother would throw because _that_ woman had a hell of a right hook for such a tiny person.

It was time to step up and become a husband. Setting the tumbler down with a thud, Leonard squared his shoulders, and turned and… "Fuck!" He let loose the startled shout when he almost ran straight into the man standing, easy, in front of him. The guy was young, dark blonde hair, mid-twenties, and too pretty to be anything but trouble.

"Hi! My name's Jim." The introduction was offered with an engaging grin and a gleam of good natured mischief in blue eyes.

"How the fuck did you get in here?" Leonard scowled because his ever present and resented bodyguards were right outside the door and those human attack dogs would never let a stranger just waltz in alone.

"Transporter beam," was the cheerful answer.

Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Kid, this place has shields against transporters."

The man just nodded in agreement. "Yeah, they're really good ones too. Took Scotty almost an hour to figure out how to beam me through them."

"The hell you say. These are the best damn shields the federation has to offer, and you broke through them in under an hour?" It sounded like bullshit, but there was something about the confident stance of the kid, the certainty in his bold blue eyes, that made Leonard halfway believe him. And if the kid had arranged to beam in here to a room alone with Leonard…well, he should probably be calling for security right about now. Leonard wasn't exactly sure why he wasn't.

"What are you, a kidnapper?" Leonard asked, still somehow not really believing it. Maybe he was a prostitute smuggled in by a soon-to-be-ex friend; somebody's idea of a bad joke. He just wasn't sensing any real threat from the kid and, if he was a kidnapper, he was sure as hell the friendliest one Leonard had ever met. And he'd encountered a few.

"Uhm, yeah," the man's expression turned sheepish, "actually, I kind of am a kidnapper."

Leonard blinked in surprise. "Oh."

They stared at each other for a long unblinking moment and then they both moved at the same time, Leonard lashing out with a fist, while the kid ducked as he leaned in to grab Leonard in a bear hug, shouting, "Scotty, now!"

The tingling sensation of the transporter beam fizzed its way through Leonard's system as he let out a disgruntled "_God_…"

…_dammit_." He stumbled back from the other man and shook himself. "I fucking _hate_ transporters."

"Come now, transporters are perfectly safe." Leonard spun around at the sound of the cheerful brogue and spotted another man, medium build, open face, standing at a set of controls. Great, that must be Scotty, a.k.a. Kidnapper Number Two. He felt the presence of more people but his attention focused back on the blue eyed maniac standing in front of him.

"Sorry," Jim, a.k.a. Kidnapper Number One, did have the grace to look a little apologetic. "But it was the only way to get you out of there. You really do have good security."

"Yeah, you're damn right we do," Leonard snarled, taking a threatening step towards the man who'd just kidnapped him. "And they're all on their way to rescue me. So why don't you put me back _right the fuck now_ and _maybe_ you won't spend the rest of your life in an off-world penal facility."

The kidnapper just shrugged. "That would be kind of silly after all the effort we went through to get you here. Besides, we went to warp as soon as we transported aboard. They can't track us."

Leonard jerked his head, looking out of one of the view screens he'd been too pre-occupied to notice before. Well, fuck.

Growling, he turned back to his kidnapper. "Look, my family's not going to pay any damn ransom, so you either fucking kill me or let me go because, otherwise, you're just wasting everyone's goddamn time. And maybe you don't have anything better to do today, but it happens to be my goddamn _wedding day_."

"Oh, I know it's your wedding day and I didn't kidnap you for ransom. Or…not exactly."

Leonard scoffed. "Enlighten me then. Why the fuck amI here, if it's not for ransom? Did you kidnap me so we could talk about baseball? Are you lonely because your mommy didn't arrange enough play dates for you as a kid?" And maybe he shouldn't have been trying to antagonize his kidnapper but, fuck it, _he _was feeling antagonized and why should he be the only one?

But his kidnapper just stared at him, bemused. "Wow, you're a very sarcastic person."

Leonard felt a vein start to throb beneath his right eye. "_Why am I here_?"

"Right, well, so this may sound a little weird but…we're getting married."

Leonard blinked. "What?" Maybe he'd drunk more than he'd thought and he was in an alcohol induced coma, hooked up to some hospital biobed having a really weird dream. One could only hope.

"No, really, see that's why I had to kidnap you today because since _I'm _going to marry you I had to make sure _she _didn't marry you and…"

Leonard decided two things. One, the kid was fucking certifiable. He had been kidnapped by a _lunatic. _And two, violence was clearly called for.

He went for the phaser that his security team always made him wear and aimed it at the kid. "Okay, you're turning this bucket around and taking me back _now._"

The kid just stared at him, eyebrows raised. "You're wearing a weapon on your wedding day?" He looked past Leonard, frowning. "Scotty, we really should _know _about things like that."

"Whoops, sorry!" came the cheerful answer.

"Yes, I'm wearing a weapon on my wedding day. It's trained on you and it's set to kill so, unless you want your insides fried, I suggest you get Kidnapper Number Two back there to turn us around and _everybody else stays back_."

The kid stared at him, head tilted to the side as he considered Leonard. "Nope."

Leonard blinked, a little nonplussed by the fact that other man didn't look the least bit concerned about being held at phaser point.

"What the hell do you mean, nope? I have a phaser pointed at your head." He made sure to enunciate slowly just in case the kid was brain damaged which was looking more and more damn likely.

The kid just shrugged. "You're not going to shoot me."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"_Yes, I am!" _And, Jesus, he was arguing with his kidnapper like they were a couple of two year olds in a sandbox.

"You wouldn't kill a man in cold blood." It was stated with such certainty that Leonard wanted to pull the trigger just to prove the smug bastard wrong.

"Kid, you don't even know me," Leonard snapped, exasperated.

"Of course I know you." The kid sounded offended of all things. "You think I'd kidnap—you think I'd _marry—_someone I don't know anything about?" He turned away from Leonard and started pacing while Leonard kept his phaser trained on him and tried not to think about the other kidnappers lurking in his peripheral vision.

"You're a doctor…went against your family's wishes to study medicine. Actually held a _job_ for awhile before your family quashed it, first time any McCoy's done _that _in about eight generations. You still volunteer at free clinics. You lobby for medical reform. You're a healer and a truly decent guy."

Leonard barely saw the other man bring his own phaser up and didn't have time to blink before the jolt hit his system and the world went dark, but he did hear the faint words that sounded tinny through the rushing in his ears. "Me, not so much."

Jim Kirk looked down, studying the unconscious man. Leonard Horatio McCoy wasn't exactly what he'd expected. For one thing, he was a grumpy bastard. He watched Scotty step away from his control station and peer down along with the others who had approached.

"I like him," Scotty said enthusiastically. "He's got spirit."

Jim continued studying McCoy, his features relaxed and almost peaceful while at rest. It was the first time since they'd come face to face that the man wasn't wearing a scowl. "Yeah," he murmured thoughtfully. "I kinda like him, too."

****************************************

Leonard woke up chained to a bed. He looked up in disbelief at the old fashioned metal restraints cuffing his left wrist to a bed post and, shaking it, listened to the solid rattling evidence of his captivity.

"Hey, so let's talk some more about the marriage thing." His head whipped around to take in the form of his kidnapper who was straddling a chair, arms resting on the back.

Leonard groaned and let his head drop back onto the pillow. "I've been kidnapped by lunatics."

"No," Jim corrected, "you've been kidnapped by space pirates."

"Space pirates?" Leonard glared at the other man. "What are you, twelve?"

This just got him a smirk. "Twenty-three, actually. So okay, Doc, let me tell you why we should get married."

Leonard kept glaring. "Let me tell you why we shouldn't."

"One," the kid continued on like Leonard hadn't spoken, "we inherit a whole lot of money when we get married."

"When _I _get married. _I _inherit a whole lot of money when _I _get married. Which is why I'm marrying _Jocelyn._"

Jim frowned. "Oh, yeah, her. She seems okay but you can do better."

"Like with you?" Leonard asked, incredulous, and then sneered. "Yeah, I can see how you're quite the catch."

"Hey, I am an _excellent _catch. My IQ tests in the top 0.2 percentile of all federation citizens. I'm a certified, documented genius. I have my own ship and crew. And I'm cute. So look, we get married, share the money and have lots of sex. What could be better?"

_"I am not marrying you."_

"Well, actually, it's not like you have a choice. I mean…" the kid shrugged apologetically, "I _am _a space pirate. We get married or I toss you out an airlock."

Leonard was handcuffed to a bed by a man who'd already phasered him once and was now threatening to space him. He should be cautious and agreeable and wait for his chance to escape. "Fuck you."

The kid beamed at him, nodding. "Y'know, that is an _excellent_ plan. We should fuck and you'll see how amazing that part of our marriage will be." He stood up and started taking off his shoes.

"You…what the hell is _wrong _with you?"

The kid smirked at him. "Well, I'm a space pirate. Space pirates pillage." He shrugged out of his shirt and, Jesus, the kid was ripped, hard muscles and tan skin, basically a walking temptation to sin.

_Who was planning to pillage him._

"Kid, come near me with anything that sticks out and I will _rip it off_."

The kid paused in the process of unfastening his belt, eyeing Leonard for a long, considering moment before shrugging. "Or we could play cards." He re-buckled his belt as his eyes swept the room. "I know I've got a deck somewhere."

The kid located a deck and sat back in his chair, smiling with a hint of something fierce behind the grin. "Let's talk terms."

Five minutes later Leonard awkwardly picked up his cards with his free hand. "So, if I win, I get to go free." He studied the cards he'd been dealt.

"Yup, and if _I _win, we get married." There was a determined note in the kid's voice.

Leonard was pretty sure it had been a mistake to agree to this, but the truth was he _was_ handcuffed to a bed by a man who'd already phasered him once. His options were kind of limited. At least agreeing to the card game had halted talks of pillaging.

Fourteen hands and a decimated pile of chips later, Leonard was scowling in frustration. "_Fuck!_"

This earned him a cheerful, smug grin. "Tempting but, y'know, I've been thinking and, let's wait for the honeymoon."

Leonard looked at the kid's smirk and experienced a rare occasion in which words failed him. Because…_fuck_.

Leonard didn't mean to keep his word. He'd been abducted by space pirates. He was under _no_ obligation to get married just because he'd lost a game he'd agreed to under duress. But the irritating part was that Kidnapper Number One—_call me Space Pirate Jim_—seemed to take it for granted that Leonard _would_ keep his word. After the game, he'd un-cuffed Leonard and showed him around the ship, talking about the great retrofit he was going to give his lady when the funds came through, and how he was going to expand to have a whole fleet, and asking where Leonard wanted to go for their honeymoon. The kid was distracting and funny and razor sharp smart…and ridiculously hot.

And somehow Leonard found himself standing in front of Scotty three hours later, surrounded by a handful of witnesses including…was that a _Vulcan?_ "You have a Vulcan space pirate?" he asked Jim incredulously.

"Yeah, Spock's awesome. Just never insult his mother."

Scotty, who in addition to being an engineer was apparently a legally appointed minister of the church of Fellernine Saturna, conducted the ceremony in his cheerful brogue, adding one more layer of insanity to the whole thing.

Leonard swore to himself he wasn't going through with it. He was going to say no, the threat of spacing bedamned. And then Scotty asked the question and Leonard looked across the aisle at where Space Pirate Jim was beaming at him like this was the best idea ever and Leonard heard the words "I do," and realized they'd somehow come from him.

And then it was too late to take it back because Scotty was happily announcing, "And now you may kiss the bride!"

Before Leonard could object to the term—because no fucking way in hell was he the goddamn _bride_—he was distracted by Kirk laying lips on him, warm and then hot and then nova hot, sensations shooting straight through him from his fingers to his curling toes. By the time they pulled back, Leonard's heart was hammering in his chest, his dick was throbbing and, staring into Jim's eyes, he was beginning to think blue might be his new favorite color.

And that apparently lunacy was catching. Because he'd somehow gone and married a fucking space pirate. And he just couldn't bring himself to mind.

END


End file.
